The "Shadow" Complex (And Why I Feel Sorry For Ashlee Simpson When I Hear This Song)

This may be a self-serving rant, but I promise it does serve some sort of (musical) purpose. Besides, it's my blog and I'll bitch if I want to.

Ah, middle child syndrome. Any middle kid can understand this. One thing I hate to hear is "I understand" from someone who is NOT a middle child. If you're the oldest, don't tell us you understand. You most likely don't. If you're the baby, DEFINITELY don't tell us that you understand. You don't. I've suffered from a classic case of it for the past twelve years.

May 24, 1996, my little sister is born. I'm six years old. I say adios to my status as the baby of the house and say hello to constantly being ignored in favor of the older child's achievements and the baby's cuteness.

I hate to admit that I like the song "Shadow" by Ashlee Simpson, because to tell you the truth, I really don't think the girl can sing that well. All in all though, the song does sum up what middle child syndrome tends to feel like, even though the song wasn't written about middle child syndrome, but it basically describes it pretty well.

My older sister was the one that everyone knew would succeed one way or another. Four years older than me, she was an over-achiever, made great grades, multi-talented in both sports and music, and she was well-liked by most everyone.

My little sister has always been cute, and even at twelve, she will exploit her cuteness to get anything and everything she wants.

Then there's me. There was only one thing that made me special, and it was only because it made my family feel too shitty to ignore me too much. (Another story.) But for the most part, I was the "artsy" one, the "unique" one in a family full of people all too eager to conform. I didn't make great grades. In fact, my grades from 3rd grade to about 7th grade were downright shitty and I honestly do not know how I managed to scrape by. I'd rather sit in my room and write or sing or listen to music than do my homework, as slackerish as that may have been. I'd rather be creative than logical about things. And after about age eight, I didn't have much of a cute factor - nothing to write home about anyway.

And I spent so many years of my life living in the shadow of an over-achieving saxophonist and basketball player, in the shadow of a cute little blond who has everyone wrapped around her finger. I tried so hard to compete with them. I tried to be cute. I even went to the length of playing the saxophone in the school band so I could try to be just as good as my older sister, in at least one aspect.

Now, when I hear "Shadow" I feel sorry for Ashlee Simpson, and not only because this song depicts that maybe she suffered because of the attention given to her sister. I feel sorry for her because this song is too powerful for her voice, and you can hear her struggle to sing it. Maybe the vocal imperfections, though, add character to the song that otherwise might not be there....

When I first heard "Shadow," I was drawn to it because of the lyrics. It seemed to fit me so well. I definitely wouldn't say "everything's cool now" or that "my life is good, I've got more than anyone should," but I have finally, after so many years, become a little comfortable in my own skin. My mental one at least. I am a unique person. I am a liberal in a family full of conservatives. I have a creative mind, not a logical one. I am Sara. I am not Ashley, my older sister. I am not Elizabeth, my younger sister. I am Sara, the middle kid. The writer/singer/photographer/graphic designer. Maybe I can live with that.

(PS: It's kinda ironic....Ashlee Simpson ended up marrying Pete Wentz. I'm not an Ashlee Simpson fan, because of her vocal shortcomings, but I do like this song. But I say something is ironic because, I don't really like Ashlee Simpson, save for this song, and she married someone with whom I share a last name.)