How To Castrate A Song

1) Take a really good rock song from the '80s. Preferably a ballad.
2) Take out the guitars, bass, and drums. You certainly can't castrate a song if it rocks.
3) Put in a piano....and a few other little diddies, like synth effects.
4) Now, about those vocals. When your voice can't handle very powerful belts anymore, you're gonna have to tone that shit down. Make it really airy, breathy....barely audible, let along listenable. Add a few badly performed high notes, just to try to prove that you can at least still do that.
5) Don't forget the whistle. You *must* make it sound like someone's being murdered on the toilet. Anything below the high sixth simply will not do. Shoot for a C7.
6) Now that you have it all nice and recorded, add it to your latest album. Which is sure to be a commercial failure.
7) Film a music video to it. Dress up in lots of weird jewelry, put on a boho bandana....make yourself seem kinda Earthy. Or just make yourself look like trash. Oh, and get Dave Navarro to play guitar in the video, to try to you know, amp up the rock appeal of your horrible cover. Oh, and lots of cheesy kinda-sex scenes.
8) Release your new single, and video, and watch laughter ensue from all over the world.

Anyone have any idea what song I'm talking about? If you were thinking of Mariah Carey's cover of "Bringin' On The Heartbreak" by Def Leppard, congratulations! You win a cookie!

Now this is strictly for fun. I actually don't mind Mariah's cover too much, it's just that....well, with so many rock fans out there, she should have known she couldn't take a really good ballad from the '80s, bring it into the 2000s, and expect people to jump all over it. It wasn't really a good song for her to attempt to cover. It was one ballad from the '80s that wasn't dripping with Cheese Whiz, and she took a can and just sprayed it all over, 100 times over. "Bringin' On The Heartbreak" was just better left alone, for Def Leppard and Def Leppard alone.

Def Leppard's Original Version:



Mariah Carey's Cover: